


a little more conversation

by ArtjuiceRP



Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-26
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-02 09:28:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8662246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtjuiceRP/pseuds/ArtjuiceRP
Summary: POST-REVIVAL. SPOILERS. Sitting on the steps of the gazebo, Rory has a lot to think about and a phone call to make. (Previous Title: On the Steps)





	1. Chapter 1

** On the Steps **

Lorelai had been reluctant to leave her sitting at the gazebo, but Rory wasn't ready to walk away. Not yet. She needed more time to memorise the town square, the flowers around the gazebo, the displays in the shop windows, because this was it.

She'd been telling herself since her return that she _wasn't_ back, because as much as she loved Stars Hollow and everyone in it, she'd always wanted more. But Stars Hollow was safe and comfortable and warm and she'd started to let it sweep her back up in its special brand of craziness.

Now, it just felt like there was a ticking time bomb - although she probably shouldn't call it that - and if she didn't get out soon, she'd never leave.

She hadn't known about the baby for long, hadn't even suspected it for long, but the moment it had crossed her mind, she'd needed to know. But even after it had been confirmed, the reality hadn't hit her until she said it out loud.

Rory didn't know what to do and her father hadn't helped. She shouldn't have gone to him. She'd been foolish to expect him to give her what she wanted, but she knew now she had always expected more from than he'd been able to provide. She'd wanted reassurance, wanted him to tell her that he regretted how absent he'd been, but all he'd managed to give her were second thoughts.

Thinking about it now, on the steps of the gazebo, she was angry. She'd asked him one question, and although the question itself was difficult, the answer shouldn't have been. Christopher had just sidestepped the question and avoided taking any responsibility for not being there by saying her mom was _too_ strong, _too_ independent.

All she had wanted was for her dad to admit that he hadn't been ready, but he wished he had been. That given the choice again, he'd have tried harder.

She always expected too much.

Logan wasn't Christopher, she knew that, but that hadn't stopped her from doubting him. After all, he'd let her walk away.

Nothing changed the fact that Logan needed to know. She _wanted_ him to know.

Her phone felt heavy in her hand. If things were different, she wouldn't be worried. She'd tell Logan and he'd tell her everything would be alright, like he always did, but things between them were complicated. She didn't think a baby would change that, and if it didn't…

Their goodbye had felt so final, so _painful_ , but so perfect. She'd spent their last moments together just memorising him, his own hands framing his soft, melancholy smile, still as beautiful as he'd been when she met him.

And, just for a moment, she had thought he was going to tell her not to go. That she should come with him and stop him getting on the plane.

One deep breath, and then his name was on her phone screen. He didn't pick up straight away - what if he _never_ picked up - and after several long seconds, she had to fight the urge not to hang up. Then the ringing stopped and all there was was silence.

She couldn't speak. If this was it, if nothing changed, she didn't want to lose their goodbye. She wanted that one perfect night.

Then he said her name.

"I don't want you to give up everything." The words came suddenly, without warning, and she grimaced as soon as she said them. The conversation should have started with something easier, although she couldn't think of _what_ she could have said.

Another long silence.

"One word and I would."

"Logan-"

"And I wouldn't be giving up anything. Not really." She wondered if she should protest, should say something about how easily he disregarded the woman he was meant to marry, but he was saying exactly what she wanted to hear. Maybe that meant she was a terrible person, but Rory had realised a long time ago, back in Hamburg, that she didn't mind being a terrible person if it meant they were terrible people together. "I was just waiting for a reason to walk away."

A shaky sigh fell from her lips, her eyes closing. They'd made such a mess of everything, both of them waiting for the other person to say the right things. She'd convinced herself, convinced him, that they could ignore the rest of the world when they were together, and then neither of them had been willing to risk ruining that to suggest that they could have anything more.

If only they'd sat down and _talked_. They'd been good at that once, back when they were younger and everything somehow seemed more certain and safe.

Rory supposed they still were, if it wasn't about their relationship. He was still the one she wanted to call at the end of the day, to share good and bad news with, and before things had ended, before Odette moved in, she'd done just that.

She took in another deep breath, the hand not holding her phone clutching at the fabric of her jumper. "I'm pregnant." She heard him inhale sharply, her grip on her phone tightening until her knuckles were white. She hadn't meant to say that. Not yet, not after what he'd just admitted. "And I love you. I should have said that first. _That's_ your reason, not… Logan, I love you. I should have told you that weeks ago. Months ago. Maybe even in Hamburg."

Her heart raced as she waited for him to reply. She thought she had an idea of what to expect - he'd all but told her he would choose her - but she'd still dropped some life-changing news on him with very little preparation.

"I love you too, Ace," he said gently - and _why_ had they waited so long to voice those words again? "And I'll see you tomorrow."

" _What?_ "

"I'll be in Stars Hollow tomorrow," he explained. "I don't know what time yet. I don't know how long it's going to take to sort out everything here, but I _will_ be there."

"Logan, you can't just-"

"If I say I can, then I can," he insisted, and Rory had to smile at the familiar words. "Rory, I don't want to be anywhere but with you."

"Shouldn't we talk about this?"

"And we will," Logan told her. "In person. We'll get a coffee and… or, I guess, not a coffee. Something."

She was going to cry - her throat felt thick, her chest tight. They'd wasted so much time and all they'd needed to say was a few words. And yes, they had so much more they needed to talk about, but she felt like everything was going to be fine. He loved her, she loved him, and although she couldn't see his face, it didn't sound like Logan was freaking out.

She'd need to talk to him about the coffee thing though. That was something she hadn't even _started_ to worry about.

"Everything will be okay, Rory." She'd been quiet for too long. "We'll be okay. _You'll_ be okay."

He told her he loved her one more time before the phone call ended, the whole conversation lasting barely five minutes but changing _everything_. He had things to do, she had a wedding to attend, and maybe everything was still as uncertain as it had been only a few minutes before, but she believed him.

Everything was going to be fine.


	2. Chapter 2

He'd texted her that morning - **flight gets in 7pm. i love you** \- and followed it up with a few more brief texts telling her where he'd be arriving and that he was planning on getting a car to Stars Hollow. Rory had replied only once, to wish him a safe flight, but had spent the rest of her morning helping her mom and Luke pack the jeep for their impromptu honeymoon (Camping trip.)

Lorelai had bought a tent and she was determined to use it. With Luke at her side, it might even get put up, although Rory wouldn't be too surprised if her mom and her new husband ended up at a Bed and Breakfast instead.

Rory had been glad to hear they planned on going away, even if only for a couple days, because it saved her from all the questions, from telling Luke, from _talking_. Not that the wedding or the even the spontaneous camping trip had stopped Lorelai from interrogating her.

Her mom had wanted to know how she was feeling, what she wanted to do, and as much as Lorelai had clearly tried to seem supportive, it appeared that the lack of judgement she'd shown post-Wookiee only lasted until Rory announced that the engaged man she'd been sleeping with had gotten her pregnant.

As though things were that simple.

She should have waited, shouldn't have told Lorelai until the wedding was over and she'd started to figure things out, but she'd been sat on that gazebo and she couldn't hold it in. She'd needed the words out there, needed someone else to know so it wasn't just her secret anymore.

It might have made things easier if she'd taken her mom aside and told her that everything wasn't going to be as messy as it seemed - that Logan had chosen her, that they'd chosen each other - but she'd wanted to see Logan first. She wanted her mom to come back from her spur-of-the-moment honeymoon to be greeted with plans and pro-con lists and, if things turned out the way Rory hoped (believed) they would, Logan.

The presence of Jess was enough to limit her mom to just a few pointed comments, and after they'd loaded everything into Luke's truck - Lorelai was taking far too much for just a few days camping - Rory had hugged her mom and Luke goodbye, shared an unusually awkward conversation with Jess, and then finally had the house to herself.

It hadn't been the reprieve she had expected. She'd wanted to curl up under a blanket on the couch and make a list of everything her and Logan needed to talk about, without worrying about the input of anyone else, but, as had been the case since realising pregnancy was even a possibility, she had too many things to think about and was struggling to focus on any of it.

Stress tap-dancing hadn't helped at all.

In the end, all she decided was that she was too impatient to wait around for his car to pull up in the driveway. She'd started driving with barely enough time to reach the airport before him, and she'd cut it even finer when she had to return back and change out of her tap shoes. She'd parked at the airport only a few minutes after his plane was meant to arrive, ripped a strip of cardboard from one of the boxes she still had stashed in her car and scrawled his name across it using a slightly chewed ballpoint she'd dug out from the bottom of her handbag, and then hurried into the arrivals terminal.

She wanted to surprise him for once, even if her big gesture was just her in the airport waiting for him, holding a sign she'd made only a minute before and wearing shoes that clashed with the rest of her outfit.

Only a minute passed before she saw him. He was pulling a large suitcase with him, his eyes on his phone instead of looking where he was going, and she worried suddenly that he wouldn't look up and would walk right past her.

If he didn't see her in the next few steps, she'd call out to him.

She didn't need to. Another passenger barged into him and Logan glanced up, mouth open to either reprimand or apologise to the man, and their eyes finally met.

They'd been apart for longer - for months, _years_ \- but she'd never get used to the way her heart beat faster whenever she saw him after being separated for too long. Not that she knew what counted for too long - a few hours seemed long enough to set her heart racing at the sight of him.

He looked tired, dark rings under his eyes, his hair untamed, but then he smiled, the same beautiful, slightly lopsided smile she'd always adored. It was as though the sight of her had rejuvenated him, his grin expelling any traces of exhaustion from his face.

It felt like they were staring at each other for more than a few seconds, but the rest of the crowd had barely even moved when he finally pocketed his phone and hurried across the last few metres between them. He reached for her, his hands on her arms, and she couldn't help feeling self-conscious as he slowly glanced over her, perhaps looking for anything about her that seemed different, that seemed pregnant.

"Hey, Ace."

Rory beamed at him, breathing out a greeting of her own. His hands ran up her arms and then he was holding her face in his hands, thumbs brushing the curve of her cheeks as he lowered his head and kissed her.

The cardboard sign crumpled in her hand, forgotten as she gripped his shirt collar and held him to her, their foreheads remaining pressed together even after they parted. "Hi."

"You said that already," he told her, chuckling. They shared another quick kiss, his arms dropping to wrap loosely around her waist. "What are you doing here? I told you I was going to get a car to Stars Hollow."

"I wanted to see you," she said. "And I didn't like sitting around and waiting for you to arrive."

He nodded like he understood, and then he took a small step away from her, releasing her from their loose embrace to grab the handle of his suitcase. "Do you want to get that not-coffee now or wait until we're back in Star's Hollow? Or we could get dinner before going back?"

Rory frowned. She'd been counting on using the drive home for them catch up on the past month, to ease into the difficult topics only after they'd recounted everything they'd missed in the past month - the three chapters of her book, what he'd been doing at work - but apparently Logan was impatient.

He hadn't had distractions like the book and the wedding. He'd had ten hours on a plane with nothing to do but think about everything. She shouldn't make him wait any longer.

"Dinner would be great,"she decided. "I'm hungrier than I thought."

"Aren't you always?"

She couldn't help but be tempted to reply with the words 'Well, I am eating for two', but that was either going to bring the conversation to crashing halt or launch them into straight into the topic she still wasn't ready to talk about.

Instead, she just laughed nervously and started towards the exit of the airport. "How about Italian?"

It took him only seconds to catch up with her. Rory matched her pace to his, slowing down only slightly to compensate for the suitcase he was dragging behind them. He slung his arm around her waist, the tips of his fingers brushing against the side of her stomach - had she always been so aware of his touch?

They stopped walking only a few feet from the exit, Logan murmuring her name quietly as he came to halt. She turned to look at him, her eyebrows creasing into a frown at the soft concern on his face. "What?"

"You're okay, right?" he asked quietly. "You're feeling okay? I meant to ask you how you were the moment I saw you, but I was distracted by your sign."

"My sign?"

"It's a work of art, Ace," he teased, nodding down at the bent cardboard she still held loosely in her hand. "I've never seen better penmanship."

They shared a smile and then his gaze dropped to the bent cardboard, at his name etched into it by ballpoint pen. Logan moved his arm from her waist, his hand brushing over the small of her back, and reached across her to pluck the sign from her hand.

Rory watched as he folded the sign up and tucked it into his jacket pocket. "What are you doing? Keeping it as a souvenir?"

She expected a smirk, but when he looked up, his expression was serious again. "We can only dance around this for so long, Rory. There's a lot to talk about."

" _Here_?" They hadn't moved, still standing near the doorway, people having to walk around them to reach the exit, and Logan wanted to talk? Rory wasn't even sure dinner would be long enough to cover everything they needed to say. "Isn't that what dinner's for?"

"I don't want to talk about _everything_ right now," he said, the corner of his mouth rising in a small, fond smile. "I just want to know you're alright. Are you?"

She hadn't been asked that yet, not since finding out. Lorelai had been too distracted - by her second wedding, by Rory's announcement, by the messy circumstances that had led to those four words - to stay calm and ask her how she was and if she _had_ , well, Rory wouldn't have been surprised if her answer ended with tears.

"I'm… okay," she said with a shrug. "I can't really say much more than that. It's not as overwhelming as it was yesterday, but-"

"This wasn't how you saw your week going?"

"It definitely wasn't part of the plan." He nodded, his smile bittersweet. "But whatever it is I'm feeling, I'm glad you're here."

"Good." Rory felt his fingers brush against hers, and then his hand was holding hers, his palm against hers, their fingers laced together. "Here's where I want to be."


	3. Chapter 3

They'd ended up in a small pizzeria only a few miles from the airport. Neither of them had felt like waiting any longer, and although Rory wasn't sure what the emptiness of the restaurant said about the quality of the food, it was nice to have privacy.

Things had been quiet but comfortable since leaving the airport, although it had grown more awkward when Logan fumbled over the wine list. He'd always liked ordering wine for them to share, always grinning when she pretended to know wine, but he'd gotten halfway through the order and _stopped_ , his wide-eyed gaze on her.

The waiter had left with an order of one scotch and one club soda, as well as a couple of pizzas and several sides, and Rory knew she couldn't delay anymore.

She still didn't know how to start. Rory opened her mouth, closed it again, and then reached over the table to grab a piece of bread from the basket in the centre. She picked at it for almost a minute, aware that Logan was waiting for her - it sounded like, these days, he was _always_ waiting for her.

"How long are you here for?" She hadn't known _what_ she was going to say until she said it. It took her a moment to look back at Logan and when she did, he didn't meet her gaze. He was staring down at the table, his fingers tapping against the edge of the table.

She swallowed, her stomach churning as she started to think of every possible reason he wasn't looking her. She'd misinterpreted their phone call - this was another goodbye, this was one meeting to figure everything out before returning to his life, he'd just been telling her what she wanted to hear.

"You're not staying."

Her quiet words were enough for him to lift his head, his eyes wide. He shook his head urgently, reaching across the table to take her hand in his, his thumb stroking the back of her hand. "No, Ace, I'm staying. Of course I'm staying," he said firmly. "I want to be here with you. I told you that."

Rory sighed, her shoulders sagging with relief. "I know, I know. It's just… I've not been my usual rational self these days." He nodded, bringing her hand to his mouth to kiss it. "Things haven't exactly gone to plan lately and, well, you were being quiet and I guess part of me was waiting for this to be something else that didn't work out."

"This will work. _We_ will work." He was using the quiet, slightly hoarse voice he always adopted when he was being serious, even as he quickly thanked the waiter for returning with their drinks. "However, as much as I want to say I'll be here forever, there's a lot I still need to figure out in London. One morning wasn't exactly enough time to do that. I don't know how long I'll be here, but I can promise that I'll come back as soon as I can."

"A lot to figure out?" she repeated, drawing her hand back and starting to trace small patterns in the condensation on her glass of soda. "With Odette?"

Logan had his scotch halfway to his mouth when she asked. He didn't manage to take a sip, the movement halting the moment he heard her question. "No. That's done. That's over." He took a drink. "Everything else is complicated. Ending things with Odette wasn't. I think she was expecting it."

"You can tell me the truth, Logan," Rory said quietly. "We should stop pretending that what we were doing, what we've done, wasn't a big deal. I'd understand if things weren't that easy."

"Rory, I don't think you ever truly understood what Odette was to me." She wasn't sure she wanted to know, even though she'd asked for it. She rested her hands in her lap, twisting her fingers together as she waited for him to continue. He finished his scotch first, the entire glass gone in one swallow. "I met her at a work function and we went out a few times while she was still in London. Spending time with her was hardly unpleasant, and it made evenings with my parents much more tolerable, so we kept accompanying each other to events if we were in the same place. Our romantic relationship didn't last longer than her first trip to London, but it was easier for both of us to just go along with everyone's assumptions that we were together. After a few years, an engagement was expected, so that's what we did."

It was hard to get her head around. The Logan she'd known back at Yale had stood up and walked away when his family told him she wasn't good enough. He wouldn't have settled for an engagement just because it was easy and made his family happy.

Then again, Rory knew better than most that things didn't always work out according to plan.

"It hardly changed anything. Odette did what she wanted in Paris, I did what I wanted in London and when we _were_ together, we did what our families wanted."

"Did she know about me? I know you always left the room if we were on the phone. If things were like you said-"

"We weren't exactly open about our other affairs, but neither of us went out of our way to hide them," he said before she could finish. "Your belongings weren't spread about the apartment, but they were there. I didn't mislabel the boxes or hide them behind coats. So yes, she knew, although I don't think she realised you were anything more to me than another… well, I think Odette thought that our farce of an engagement would be over if you truly meant something to me."

"So why wasn't it?"

Logan cast a regretful glance at his empty glass. "Because I wasn't brave enough to walk away from everything unless I knew it was what you wanted too. I wanted to. That weekend, in Hamburg, I was ready to drop everything to be with you again but then you brought up Vegas and you _kept_ bringing up Vegas. I couldn't drop everything else if that was all you wanted."

"You would have done it then?" she asked. "Married her?"

"I need another scotch," he muttered. "I told you, Rory, I was waiting for a reason. I wanted someone to give me one - not just you. There was a reason I took you to the family restaurant, although it didn't go the way I thought it would.

"What?" Rory gaped at him. "You mean, all those months ago? When we ran into Mitchum? You _planned_ that?"

"Not consciously. I wasn't sitting a rotating chair, stroking a cat and scheming." He smiled sheepishly, ducking his head. "I think I was hoping that he'd see us together and make the choice for me. I thought he'd see us together and make me choose - Odette or you - and that would be an easy choice to make. Instead, suddenly Odette was moving in and… well, as I said, that encounter didn't work out the way I would have expected it to."

It went unsaid, but Rory knew the truth. If she hadn't called, he'd have done it. He'd have married Odette. He'd have been miserable, they would _both_ be miserable, just because she couldn't bring herself to admit what she really wanted.

As much as she wished that he hadn't been waiting for her, she understood.

Their entire relationship had started because Rory had told him what she wanted from him, and Logan had always been willing to give her exactly that. When things had been difficult, he'd been the one to fight for them and she'd loved him for that. He'd been supportive and loving and _everything,_ given her big gestures and important words, and she'd let him give and give until he wanted too much, suddenly offering her more than she was prepared to take.

It had been her turn to fight for him, them, but instead, she'd just waited for him and it had taken another several years for them to find each other again. And even then, she'd kept waiting, too reluctant to admit to him what their relationship really meant to her after she'd let him walk away.

After his proposal, and her insistence on their relationship being no strings - when in Vegas - she didn't blame him for staying quiet and continuing with the life he'd ended up with.

He'd needed her to rescue him and she almost hadn't.

If the waiter hadn't returned with their food, she'd have apologised. She shouldn't have needed an unexpected pregnancy to tell him what she really wanted, how she really felt. She should have jumped on the openings he'd given her in New Hampshire, should have swallowed down her pride and her nerves and just told him not to marry Odette. That she loved him and wanted him with her.

By the time the waiter had set their pizzas in front of them and found space on the table for the garlic bread, potato wedges and salad, it felt like the time for an 'I'm sorry' had passed.

"So, speaking of your father…" she said instead, prompting a heavy sigh from Logan.

"Is that what we were talking about?" Rory raised an eyebrow. "Look, he's not going to be happy about all this, but whatever doomsday scenario is running through your head right now is unlikely to actually happen. You know I need to go back to London for a few days, and while I'm there, I'll see what I can figure out. We have newspapers in New York, in Boston, and it might take a bit of persuading, but I can probably transfer to one of them."

"You're not leaving the company?"

"Not if I don't have to," he told her. "I'm good at what I do. I know that. My dad knows that. I realised a long time ago that I needed to stop my feelings about my family stop me from taking advantage of the opportunities I had available to me. I really think my dad will try to give me what I want instead of letting me walk away again."

"And if he doesn't?"

"It's just a job." He paused to eat, finishing two slices of his pizza before continuing. "If it doesn't fit with being here and being with you, then it's not the job I want. I'll find something in New York, and it's not as if I don't have enough money to support us until I do. It might not be enough to just throw at cars and clubs and bed and breakfasts without a moment's thought, but it'll do."

"Support us?" she repeated. "Logan, you don't need to do that."

It was a token protest. As much as she wished she _wasn't_ reliant on others, she'd never really managed to make it by herself. Journalism had never really paid enough, even when the jobs were regular, and she'd grown used to the support of others, be it a trust fund her grandparents had set up for her or staying on people's couches or letting Logan take her to musicals and museums and Michelin-star restaurants.

Her mom would hate to know the truth, but Rory had always liked being looked after. It didn't help that she wasn't much good at supporting herself anyway.

"I want to," Logan insisted. "I don't want you to do something you don't want to do just for money you don't need. Even if you get a few articles published while you're working on the book, it's unlikely to be enough."

"Articles?" Rory hadn't even thought about writing articles. She'd struggled enough with journalism over the last few years, and it had been a relief to be given a fully-formed idea to work with, something only she could do, something no one else could do better. "I don't know, Logan. I don't think I'd get anything published even if I did come up with something to write."

"Hey, Ace, it's just a suggestion," he said. "I get it, you know? I know the last few years haven't been the best for you, writing-wise. I'm not saying you have to write, because you don't, but don't discount journalism just because you've had a few setbacks. I remember how much you used to love it. If there's something you want to write, write it. Send it out."

"Logan-"

"If all you want to do is write your book, then that's fine. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't write journalism off unless you're sure it isn't what you want." He wiped his fingers with the paper napkin and reached across to take her hand again. "I want you to do what you want, whatever it is. Whatever makes you happy - the book, some articles, doing a masters, going to the Arctic Circle. Anything."

"A masters?" Rory frowned at him. "You _know_ what I think about the whole teaching at Chilton idea."

"I'm not talking about teaching at Chilton," he said, shaking his head in bemusement. "You love learning, right? You didn't do a masters because you wanted to get out there and start working. If you don't know what you want to do next, getting a masters degree wouldn't be the worst thing to do. Did you even look into it?"

When he put it like that, she felt foolish for disregarding the idea. She _had_ loved learning. She'd loved the structure of school and university, of having clear goals and targets, everything she hadn't had once she got out into the real world.

"Not really," she admitted. "I just heard Headmaster Charleston offering me what sounded like a pity job and I didn't want to even consider the idea that I'd become _that_ pitiful so I just ignored it. Not that it matters now. I'm writing a book and I'm… well, not really in a position to restart full-time education."

"That's no reason not to google it. A lot can be done online these days," Logan pointed out, just as Rory used her free hand to start on another slice of pizza. "You want to do a masters, do a masters. You could do it part-time, long-distance, maybe even just a couple of nights a week. I know things are changing, but that doesn't mean you have to give up everything. I'm here. You've got your mom and Luke. If you want to do something, whatever it is, we'll all figure out a way for you to do it. Not that it needs to be figured out right now."

Logan always seemed to know what to say. The book already felt less all-consuming. She still wanted to write it, _needed_ to write it, but maybe it didn't have to be everything. Maybe she really could do more.

"I'll google it," she decided. "I mean, I won't want to be writing the same book all day, every day, right?"

He nodded, his thumb stroking the back of her hand one more time before he released it and returned to his meal. For a while, they ate in silence, exchanging slices of their pizzas to try each other's meals, and soon Logan was watching her with his familiar expression of amazement as she finished off everything he'd been too full to eat.

"So what happens now?" Rory asked, once their plates had been cleared away and she'd ordered dessert. "Do you know when you're going back to London? How long things will take to sort out there?"

"I thought I'd fly back Sunday night."

"Tomorrow?"

"If I want everything sorted as soon as possible, I probably shouldn't miss the start of the work week," he explained. "I'll try and get everything done over there by the end of the week and then I'll fly back here overnight Friday."

Rory would prefer it if he never had to leave, but at least she'd be able to call him again. One week, with contact, could hardly be any worse than the weeks that had passed after their goodbye. "And then?"

"And then we start making things work." He paused when the waiter came back with her pannacotta, dismissing him with a thank you and watching with a fond smile as she helped herself to a spoonful of it. "Is that good?"

Rory nodded, distracted from her dessert by everything he'd said. She hadn't been oblivious to the way they were talking about the future as though they were going to be together - she'd assumed they were, and it seemed he'd done the same. It was fast and impulsive, just like him, but it was the one thing she was certain of, the one thing she knew she wanted.

But she wasn't letting things go unsaid anymore. "This is it, isn't it?" she asked quietly. "It's not just a few more perfect days. You're really here. We're really doing this."

"We're really doing this."

They shared a smile and then Logan stood from the table, leaning over it to brush a kiss to her lips. His hand was warm on her cheek, and Rory dropped her spoon so she could clutch at his arm, holding him to her for a few seconds after their lips parted.

He dropped back into his seat and, once she was no longer feeling light-headed and flustered from their kiss, she returned to her dessert.

"Rory?" he said hesitantly, a warm smile gracing his face when she looked up from her pannacotta and met his gaze. "There's still one more thing we really need to talk about."

She took a deep breath and nodded. After everything else, it was time to stop avoiding the subject. "Yeah, I guess there is. I'm not really sure what to say, though."

"Well, I bought a whole book about it, if that helps." He chuckled wryly, nodding towards the exit of the restaurant. "I left it in the car, though. It was going to be a gift, but I had ten hours on the plane and I ended up skimming through it. I have to say, I think Honor spared me a lot of the details when she was the one having children."

Rory grimaced. "I think Lane did the same for me. I _really_ didn't want to know."

"So… how long have you-?"

"Only a couple of days," she answered quickly. "It's _very_ new. It's… It's from New Hampshire. It's my fault. I hadn't really kept up with my birth control after things ended between us and then you were there and we were drinking and I just wanted you _so_ much that I didn't really think things through."

"I wasn't exactly on top of things either, Ace," he told her. "It wasn't just your responsibility. I should have made sure everything was safe before we… I guess it's too late now."

"I guess it is," she muttered. "You know, Logan, you can tell me if this is too much. I'd understand if you were freaking out."

It took him a moment to respond. "I'm not freaking out."

"Are you sure? That wasn't exactly a quick answer."

"I'm sure." Rory raised an eyebrow, dubious. It wasn't as though she was calm about the whole thing, and she'd expected Logan to be as panicked as she was. Instead, he was buying books and his voice was level and he really _did_ seem surprisingly at ease. "If anything's freaking me out about this whole thing, it's how much time we wasted on being apart and with other people when we could have had this instead. We haven't exactly done things the way it's supposed to be done." He paused, his eyes narrowing as he stared at her. "What about you? What do you think about all of this?"

"I think it's a lot to think about," she told him. "I don't know how you're so calm about all this."

"If you were anyone else, I'd be panicking but.." Logan hesitated, his jaw clenching. Rory suddenly knew what he wanted to say, and she clenched her fists under the table, preparing herself to hear him talk about the one thing they'd never dared discuss. "I wanted this with you, Rory."

" _This_? Logan, I was twenty-two."

"I wanted to _marry_ you. I didn't want it all that minute, or even that year, but I wanted it someday." He told her. "I wanted to have a family with you one day, although I'd planned on a few more years before we even started thinking about that. This might not have been the way I expected things to happen, but this, with you, is something I've wanted for a long time."

"You'd thought about this?" she asked nervously. "About children?"

"Only briefly, but yes, I'd thought about it." He shrugged like his words weren't a big deal. "I know you hadn't. I know children weren't something you were planning on when you sat and figured out your future. Has that changed?"

"It's going to have to, right?"

Logan hesitated again. "Not if it isn't what you want. It's not been that long. There are still options."

"I haven't really thought about what I want. I haven't really thought about any of it." Rory admitted. "But it isn't just about me anymore. You're here. It's… Well, it's your decision too."

"It's your body," he said quietly. "And I'd hate for you to have this baby just because you think it's something I want or because you think it's what brought us back together. Whatever you decide, I'm in this. I'm here because I love you, not because we weren't as careful as we should have been."

Rory swallowed, staring down at her hands. Her knuckles were white, the fabric of her skirt wrinkled from the tight grip she had on it. "I wish I didn't have to think about it. I wish I could tell you that I want this, but I can't." She heard Logan exhale shakily, but she couldn't look up at him. "I don't know if I'm ready for this. I don't know if it's what I want. I don't know if it will ever be something I want or something I'm ready for. I mean, I'm thirty-two and I've never… I've never looked at a kid and thought 'I want one'. I took that pregnancy test and I looked at those two pink lines and my first thought was just 'oh no'."

"And your second thought?"

His voice was hoarse, _hurt_ , and she hated it. "I think I'm still waiting for it. I'm still stuck on the first one."

"Doesn't really sound like there's much to think about," he muttered. "It's clear this isn't what you want."

"I don't _know_ what I want. Logan, I just need more time. I need to make a list and think things through," she told him, reaching across the table for his hand and holding it tightly, desperately. "I haven't really thought about any of this, and my dad made me really confused, and I don't know much right now, but I know I want to be with you."

"Your dad? What does he have to do with any of this?"

"Nothing. He just… I panicked after the doctor confirmed everything and I went to him." Not that he'd been at all helpful. Lorelai might have been able to raise her on her own, but Rory wasn't her mother. She'd never been good at doing things alone, she'd never needed or wanted to be. Christopher didn't know her well enough to see that. "I didn't tell him anything and it doesn't matter what he said. I guess all that really matters is… do you think we can do this? _If_ we do this?"

Logan inhaled, releasing a long, heavy sigh before answering. "I think there's a lot we need to work on. I think we need to remember how to talk about what we want from each other, but yeah. I think we can if we want to." He met her gaze. "Honestly, Rory, I think we can do anything as long as we do it together."

It was a bit cheesy, but it was exactly what she needed to hear. She smiled at him, even as she felt tears threatening to fall. She tried to blink them back, to get a grasp over her emotions again, but then Logan was reaching out and brushing a stray tear from her cheek. "Logan?" she breathed. "I'm not saying no. You know that, right?"

She wasn't saying yes either, but it seemed to be enough.

 


	4. Chapter 4

The rest of the evening had passed in a pleasant haze, like Rory was drunk off just being near Logan, and she only remembered moments of it. They'd listened to her personal, private Spotify playlist on the drive home - a selection of Richard's favourite songs - and kept it playing through the house long after they got in. She'd skimmed through the baby book he'd bought her as he finally showered his ten-hour flight away. Her playlist had reached Moon River when he reemerged and he'd taken the book from her hands and kissed her, his hands framing her face just like they had the very first time.

She'd been the one to deepen the kiss, the one who first slid their hands beneath the other's clothes, and they were both half-undressed before Rory had the presence of mind to suggest moving things out of the living room. He'd swept her into his arms, kept kissing her as he carried her to her bed, and they'd worn themselves out relearning the other's body, remembering exactly where to kiss and nip and stroke to make the other gasp and whimper - as if a month was long enough for her to forget anything about him when several years hadn't been able to dim the memories of how best to love him.

Logan had fallen asleep soon after, sprawling across the bed the way he always did - one leg hanging off the side, his torso twisted towards her, one arm resting heavily over her stomach and his face pressed against her shoulder, mouth slightly open, each soft snore a warm caress of air on her bare skin. Rory hadn't found sleep so easy to give in to, the blissful emptiness of her mind only lasting a few minutes before everything came back to her at once, all her thoughts nagging at her and keeping her wide awake.

She'd tried to ignore them, curling into Logan, her fingers combing gently through his sweat-damp hair, but it hadn't worked. Instead, she'd dug a notepad and pen out of her bedside table and started on her pro and con list, using only the light of her phone to illuminate her words.

Rory wasn't sure _when_ she'd fallen asleep, but she hadn't expected to wake up alone.

Her notepad, pen and phone were piled neatly on the table, their edges highlighted by the faint light of her alarm clock - **3:56am** \- and she wondered if Logan had put them there when he'd woken up and left her side, if he'd read her late-night, private ruminations on what would be their future.

She stayed in bed for a while, burrowing into the warmth Logan left behind, trying to surround herself with the faint smell of his cologne and let the comfort it brought her lull her back to sleep, but when a few minutes passed and Logan didn't return, she abandoned the warmth of the bed to go find him.

The fall air was cold against her naked body and she quickly slipped into a pair of pyjamas and wrapped herself in her fluffiest robe. She took her phone and notepad with her, reluctant to leave the book behind when a thought could strike her at any time and need to be added to the list. With it in hand, she wandered slowly through the house, expecting to find Logan nearby, but all the lights were off.

She found him outside, sat on the porch steps, phone at his ear. She didn't approach him straight away, leaning against the doorframe and just watching him. It was rare to see him in such comfortable looking clothes, sweatpants and a thick sweater, as they rarely needed pyjamas when they were together and his days were mostly spent in well-fitting shirts and tailored suits.

"I know it's short notice," he was saying, his voice sharp, a match to the tension she could see in his shoulders. Rory couldn't make out what the voice on the phone was saying, although it sounded loud, and Logan grew more frustrated with each angry buzz. "Well, the wedding's off. You can apologise to mom for the time she's wasted." He paused again. "No, I won't tell her myself. I have too many other things to sort out without an afternoon spent explaining why she needs to cancel the ridiculous gold-trimmed invitations she was so keen on."

He turned to look at her, rolling his eyes when the person on the phone started a tirade. She hadn't realised he'd known she was there, but she wasn't surprised that he did, and when he held his arm out towards her, she crossed the porch to sit down at his side, his arm going immediately around her shoulders.

"Hey, did I wake you?" he asked after muting the microphone on his phone. "I wanted to let you sleep. I'm still on London time."

"You didn't wake me," she murmured back, her voice quiet so she wouldn't ruin the peace that was Stars Hollow at night. "You just… weren't there."

He smiled, leaning in to press a kiss to her forehead. She tucked her head under his chin, cuddling into his side. "Sorry about that. My dad called and, as much as I didn't want to answer, it can't hurt to start dealing with everything now. If he moves a few meetings around, I might even be able to get back here before the end of the week."

"Why did he call?"

"Odette told her family the engagement was over. Her mother called mine and now everyone's panicking about my sudden change of heart," he explained, shaking his head in disbelief. "What they're really panicking about is the potential loss of a business deal between our families, even though you'd think that in this day and age, people would be able to sign contracts and make arrangements without marrying their children off."

"What?"

"It wasn't an official contract, but it was understood that a deal of some kind would be agreed upon once Odette and I were married. It doesn't change anything. They'll just have to sit down and negotiate instead." Logan paused, exhaling heavily when he turned his attention back to his phone. Mitchum was still speaking, and Rory doubted he'd even noticed that Logan had muted his phone and stopped responding. "It might take while to get dad to get his head around though so you should go back to bed. I'll come back when the rant's over."

Rory shook her head. "No, this is nice," she said quietly, nestling closer. She felt another kiss, this time to her hair. "I don't mind sitting here for a while. It's not like we need to get up for anything tomorrow. We can spend all day in bed if we want to."

She felt his smile, his lips still at the crown of her head. He lingered there for another few seconds and then loosened their embrace, unmuting his phone and returning it to his ear.

"Dad," he said, cutting off Mitchum's ongoing tirade with that one sharply-spoken word. "This isn't up for discussion. Either you find a place for me here, in New York, or you can consider this my resignation."

That set Mitchum off again, but this time, Logan listened. Rory entertained herself by googling long-distance masters degrees on her phone, and it was only when she was halfway through a degree description on Harvard's website and feeling excited in a way she hadn't been since university that Logan spoke again.

"I understand if it can't be done immediately, but I need to know it'll be possible," he told his father, waiting for his response. "Yeah, dad, if you could arrange that, it would be great. I'll just take personal time off until the position's ready." Another pause. "I can't agree to that right now. I'll be back in London over the next week. Could we discuss it over lunch sometime? The earlier in the week, the better."

He hung up with a 'thanks, dad' and pocketed his phone. Rory glanced up at him, her smile growing to match his satisfied smirk. He wouldn't look like that if things hadn't worked out the way he'd wanted them to. "That seemed to go better than I expected," she said, and he nodded. "How angry was he?"

"I'd say he was more surprised than angry," he answered. "He doesn't have an explanation for any of this, and I doubt he was expecting his Sunday to start with a call from Gauthier about the end of my engagement followed by a call about my potential resignation. Still, it sounds like he'd rather shuffle things around and get me in New York than have me quit the family business again."

"And you need some time before agreeing to that?"

"If that was everything, then I'd agree right now," he said. "But it sounds like my dad wants to keep me going back and forth to London for as long as he can, even if I'm based here. He said it would be to keep things running and assist with finding a replacement, and then to ease the transition between me and whoever we find. I don't want to agree to that without talking to you first."

"Oh." Rory tapped her fingers anxiously against the locked screen of her phone. "So what would mean? How often would you be gone? For how long?"

"Don't know yet, Ace." He took hold of her hand to stop her fidgeting, lacing his fingers with hers. "That'll be something we discuss in person, not over the phone on a Sunday morning. I won't let it be for more than a week each month, and seeing as my dad wants to keep me with the company, I should have the upper-hand in the negotiations."

"Doesn't that mean you could ask for less time?"

His grip on her hand tightened slightly. Rory glanced up at him, frowning at the reluctance clear in his expression. "Rory…" he sighed. "I don't want to walk away from this job if I don't have to, and if that means I need to make a few compromises to make it work, I'd prefer to do that."

Her first instinct was to protest, but she knew that would be too selfish. He'd already done more than he had to, leaving Odette and travelling across the sea to her, moving his entire life so they could be together. She couldn't ask for anything more, not when she knew how much he enjoyed his work, how good he was at it, and it wasn't as though they hadn't figured out how to make distance work.

And maybe it didn't need to be a compromise. Rory had flown to and from London, often impulsively, dozens of times since they'd reconnected in Hamburg. Why did things need to be different now?

"I could go with you?" she suggested. "I know you'd be working, but we could get lunch together at The Ivy and watch BBC in the evenings. We still haven't seen In the Heights, so we could go to that one night?"

Logan smiled, dipping his head to kiss her. "I'd like that," he said once the kiss broke. "Do you want to come with me tonight? I'm sure I can get you a seat on the plane. Besides, rumour has it that In the Heights is ending in January so we should really get to that before we miss it."

"As if you'd care," she laughed, too familiar with the way Logan grumbled about every show they attended, regardless of whether or not he'd arranged the trip. "But yeah, that sounds great. I've been in this place for too long without a break."

"It does," he agreed, followed by another kiss, this time to her forehead. "I'd love to come home to you after hours and hours of meetings with my father."

"And I'd like to be there for you to come home to."

He kissed her one more time, his arm leaving her shoulder so he could cup her cheek and hold her close. She chased his lips when they parted, trying to lean closer when he drew back and rested his forehead against hers.

"I'm glad you're returning with me," he said quietly. "I didn't want to ask. You have enough to deal with without worrying about me and the Mitchum Inquisition." Logan sighed. "He's going to have so many questions."

She hadn't considered that. Mitchum was bound to want an explanation. "What are you going to tell him? I don't want him to know about-"

"I'm not going to say anything," he promised, cutting her words off before she could start panicking. "He doesn't need to know. Not yet. The book says it's best to wait until it's been three months before telling people."

Rory thought of the notepad in her dressing gown pocket, of how the cons outnumbered the pros, and she wondered if there would even be anything to tell people in three months.

"Yeah, I saw," she said simply, backing out of his embrace.

"You read it?"

"I glanced at it," she answered. "While you were in the shower."

Things were suddenly uncomfortable. She knew why - it was the one thing they didn't agree on, the only thing they didn't both want. Logan hadn't said it out loud, but Rory knew he didn't feel the same way she did about the pregnancy. She'd seen the hurt in his eyes when she made it clear how unsure she was, seen the way he'd already folded the corners of the pages of his brand new baby book.

She wanted him. He wanted everything.

"So," Logan said, after it had been quiet for too long. "What were you looking at when I was on the phone? You were smiling."

"Oh, this." She was maybe a bit too enthusiastic, but at least things were suddenly easy again. She handed him her phone, watching as he unlocked it and began to read through the web page she'd left open. "I didn't think I'd actually find any master's courses I'd be interested in, and if I did, I didn't think I'd be able to do them, but this one's perfect."

"It's Harvard."

"Yes, but it can almost all be done online. Look-" she reached over to scroll down the page. "It requires one on-campus course, but that doesn't mean a full semester. Just a course with _some_ time spent on campus, even if it's just an intensive weekend. Everything else can be done from anywhere. From here, from London."

He beamed at her, apparently sharing in her enthusiasm. "And it's part-time. Here, it says that you get the degree as long as you complete the required number of credits within five years. You'd only need to do one course a semester, and that gives you plenty of time to write your book or do anything else you want to do."

"I know! And it doesn't even _have_ to be five years. I could do it quicker than that if I did a few courses at a time," she said, her words speeding up along with her excitement. "I still need to do more research, because what if the course options are limited when they're online only, but it's _Harvard_ , Logan!"

"You always did like Harvard," he said warmly.

"I don't know if I could afford it though," she admitted. "I'm not working right now and a Harvard degree isn't cheap, even if it's just online, and-"

She fell silent at the sight of Logan's raised eyebrow. "Ace, if it's going to make you happy, you know I'll pay for it."

"Logan…"

"I _want_ to pay for it."

"I don't even know if I'm going to do it yet," she protested weakly. Logan smiled and nodded, and she knew he knew she'd already made up her mind. "Okay, so maybe I'm thinking about it, but it would just be one or two of the prerequisite courses for now. I don't know about the full degree. It might still be too much along with the book and the… well, you know what."

Logan took in a deep breath, and it may have only been a few hours since he arrived in the States but Rory already knew that meant he was preparing to ask her something she wasn't sure she was ready to answer.

"So you think that there will be a you-know-what around to make things too much?"

"I…" Rory hesitated, getting the notepad from her pocket and gripping it tightly in both hands. "Right now, the list says no."

He mouthed the word. Rory couldn't look at his face, staring instead at his were resting on his thighs, clenched into fists. It made her heart hurt - she'd never wanted to disappoint him, to upset him.

"Can I see it?" he asked, his voice hoarse. "Your list?"

She hesitated for a moment and then she held the notepad out towards him. He plucked it from her hand and flipped to the front page, and although she didn't want to see his reaction, she couldn't look away from him as he looked over the short list.

"Con number one," he said suddenly, surprising her. "Pregnancy. Okay, well, yeah, I can't disagree with that. I read that baby book, it doesn't sound like a lot of fun. Number two. You can't return a baby." He barked out a laugh, the two of them finally meeting each other's gaze. "That's true too."

"I just mean that it's not really a decision you can reverse, once you've got the baby," she explained. "There aren't many decisions like that. You can take a jumper back to the shop or you can get a divorce or you can move out of a house. You can't just… not have a baby anymore."

"You don't know if you'd _want_ to return it."

"But is it worth the risk? If it's something I can't take back, shouldn't I be sure it's something I really want before I commit to it, instead of just hoping it'll be okay? Sometimes I think a shirt looks nice in the store and it would be a good idea to buy and I still get it home and change my mind."

Logan's lips drew into a thin line, and although she knew he wanted to argue back, he seemed to decide it was better to move on. "Okay, number three, less time with Logan. I suppose that's true, although I don't think Lorelai would mind taking the baby off our hands for a night or two so we can spend some time just us."

"It won't be the same."

He ignored her quiet words and continued. "Number four, can't do what I want with a baby. Really, Rory?" Logan looked frustrated. "Didn't we talk about this last night? I won't let anything limit you, and that includes having a baby. I told you, if you want to do something, we will find a way for you to do it."

She swallowed. She believed him - she _wanted_ to believe him - but there was a part of her that struggled to. Her mother had had to give up so much to provide for her, Lane had been left behind with her babies while her husband went off to tour the country, her dreams reduced to small gigs at Stars Hollow's secret bar, and although Paris had the career she'd always wanted, Rory knew that Paris thought that meant she didn't have a great relationship with her children. She wasn't sure it was possible to have what she wanted _and_ give a child everything they wanted.

But Logan seemed so certain.

Rory crossed it off the list, her hand shaking as she did so.

"It's equal," Logan stated, as though she didn't know. "Should we go through the pros too?"

"It can't hurt."

"One. People seem to like their own children. See Lane and Paris for examples." He chuckled, the sound of his laughter at odds with how serious the conversation felt. "Two. It's with the right guy."

He looked up from the list again, his gaze soft and warm. "I wouldn't want this to happen with anyone else," she said, a small smile on her lips as he took her hand and kissed it. "Maybe I hadn't ever thought it before, but I know if I had, it would always be with you."

"Three, Logan would be a great father. You think so?"

"I think you'd spoil them, but yeah. I think you would be," she told him. "I wouldn't have put it on the list if I didn't."

He didn't read the last question out loud, frowning down at it for several seconds. "You've put that having this baby would make me very happy, but you've written it as a question. I told you that I wanted this one day, with you. If this was what you wanted too, my happiness wouldn't need a question mark after it. But I also told you I didn't want you to have this baby just because it was what I wanted, and half of these pros are about how I would feel, not you."

"Well, it's not just about me," Rory said quietly. "You're involved. We're doing this together. I want to consider what you want. You want me to be happy, I want _you_ to be happy. If this would make you happy, I want it on the list."

Logan took the pen from her and crossed out the question mark. "Look, Rory, I know you're not sure about all of this. I'm not either. Things are going to change, for both of us, but it'll be new and exciting and… It'll be an adventure."

"You have always liked your adventures," she admitted. "And you've always taken me on the best ones. I've loved every single one. Maybe this will be the same."

She was shaking again when she took the notepad back, and she could feel Logan's gaze on her as she neatly wrote 'a new adventure' onto the bottom of the list. She couldn't look away from the words, from the bullet point that turned the list in favour of them choosing to have the baby. Her throat felt thick, her chest tight, and maybe she should have eschewed her lists for once, just gone with her gut instead of with logic and lists, because their decision wasn't exactly making her want to smile or celebrate. She still felt the same dread that she'd felt when she saw the two pink lines.

"We're doing this?" Logan sounded pleased, and she looked at him to see his beautiful smile, the corners of his eyes crinkled, and maybe the list didn't make her feel the way she had hoped it would, but she couldn't doubt a decision that made him so happy. "You want to do this?"

She wanted him to always look like that.

"You might need to remind me why we're doing this sometimes, but yeah," she answered, still unable to look away from him. "Why not?"

He probably wanted more than that, wanted her smile to be bigger and her words to be more enthusiastic, but it seemed to be enough for him. He dropped the notepad at his side and then reached for her, one hand going around her waist and pulling her close, the other cradling her head as he kissed her.

"We'll frame the list," he said, his lips still brushing hers with each word. "We'll stick it on the wall wherever we end up living. New York, London-"

"Paris, Munich?"

He laughed. "I love you so much, Ace."

"You too," she breathed. "So much."

She clung to him, kissed him, her fingers in his hair, clutching at his sweater, and let herself be lost in him, let herself forget what they'd been talking about and where they were sitting. Still on the porch steps.


	5. Chapter 5

For the first few weeks after their decision, Rory and Logan had so many other things to think about that Rory barely let herself think about the pregnancy. They were flying between New York and London regularly, Logan unable to persuade Mitchum to agree to one week a month. Together, they'd decided on a house in the city and a small apartment back in Stars Hollow. The apartment had been a quick and easy decision, but it had taken longer than they'd hoped to choose a place in New York and for a while, whenever Logan wasn't working, they were house-hunting.

They got their first ultrasound a few days after getting back from their first trip to London. Logan stood by beside her, and when the doctor pointed out their baby on the sonogram, he took her hand and kissed the crown of her head. Rory thought she was supposed to be smiling too - she and Logan should have matching smiles, should both be excited - but she couldn't do it.

With the way the rest of her year had gone, it didn't surprise her that she didn't seem able to even do pregnancy properly. She knew how it was supposed to go. She was meant to see the small blob that was her baby and hear it's heartbeat and fall in love, to have tears in her eyes and a smile on her face as she realised the baby _was_ what she wanted.

That didn't happen.

After that, things got harder. Logan worked a lot, and he couldn't take long lunches every day like he used to do whenever she visited London, not when they were in the same city every single day, but he was always home by seven. Sometimes Rory missed him, especially on days where she felt constantly nauseous and miserable, but it wasn't as though she had nothing to do without him around. She signed up for one of the Harvard courses - the one that was required for admission to the journalism degree - and she retrieved all her old Yale notes from her bedroom closet back in Stars Hollow. When she wasn't working on her book, she was reading through them or that day's New York Times, and although the course sounded like a lot of work, with daily reading and writing, as well as several reporting assignments, it became one of the only things she was looking forward to.

They didn't start telling people until Christmas. Rory would have preferred to wait until later, but their week in Nantucket seemed like the best time to tell her grandma. They told Luke then too, although, from his surprisingly calm reaction, Rory suspected Lorelai already told him weeks earlier. Emily was thrilled, and the rest of their Christmas was spent dodging questions like "You will be getting married soon, won't you?" and "When _exactly_ did the two of you reunite?".

She learned very quickly that forced smiles and false enthusiasm grew tiring fast. After telling her grandma, it suddenly seemed like everyone knew. Trips to Stars Hollow became fewer and far between as Rory struggled to deal with the congratulations and smiles and hugs from everyone she saw, every single person expecting her to be as excited as they were and to _want_ to answer all their questions.

Not that she always had to pretend. She told Lane everything, and Lane smiled and hugged her and told her everything didn't have to be wonderful - that she didn't have to be thrilled, she didn't have be enjoying it, she just had to do what was right for her and if that was being miserable, she was allowed to be. Lane shared stories about her own pregnancy, things she'd kept from Rory at the time because she didn't think Rory would understand, and it was wonderful to commiserate together. She felt better after that, suddenly more certain that her lack of instant connection to the thing inside her didn't mean she wouldn't love it once she had it in her arms.

Paris helped too, in the way only Paris could.

"Pregnancy isn't for everyone," she said brusquely, even before Rory could tell her things weren't as wonderful as expected. Paris had taken one look at her, at the lines under her eyes and the tightness of her smile, and just _known_. "Surrogacy and adoption aren't only for people who waited too long or who can't have children. Sometimes, people just don't want to do it themselves. I didn't."

And there was always Logan. She felt better around him, more at ease with her choice when he was there and he was happy. No matter what she was feeling - grumpy or hungry or uncomfortable - his smile was enough to cheer her up. His return from work was always the highlight of her day, the way he'd drop his bag by the door and come straight to her, one hand resting gently on her slight bump as he kissed her. Her smile was always at its brightest after that.

She started to have trouble sleeping. The darkness didn't provide much of a distraction, and once Logan was asleep - hand on her stomach, his chest pressed against her back - she struggled to do anything but doubt _everything_.

What if she'd made the wrong decision? Maybe she should have spent more time on her list, more than just a few hours in the middle of the night.

Rory wondered if Logan had similar thoughts - he was happy, she _knew_ he was happy, but she also noticed the way his smile would fade when she cut him off halfway through a sentence because she didn't want to talk about the baby. She saw how solemn he was on the days when all she wanted to do was hide in a baggy sweater and curl up in front of an episode or two of Buffy. He'd join her and she'd lean against his side, his arm around her shoulder and his hand playing with her hair, but instead of fondly mocking the episodes the way they used to, he would stay quiet and just hold her.

She made sure to read through the pro-con list every night.

Lorelai went with them to the next ultrasound, and when they were told that they were having a son, her mom got them a balloon with the words "It's a boy" printed on it. They took it back to the house with them and it floated above Rory's head, tethered to her chair, as Lorelai and Logan discussed the nursery over lunch. She wasn't entirely absent from the conversation - their excitement was infectious - and she made a few suggestions about colour schemes and laughed at Lorelai's ridiculous name suggestions.

It didn't last. Lorelai went home, the balloon deflated, and Rory couldn't get that enthusiasm back. Logan tried his hardest to recapture it, trying to entice her back into conversations about which mobile was cutest or which crib had the best reviews online, but it didn't take long until he stopped. Instead, they talked about everything else: about her weekly journalism lecture, what assignment she was working on, the latest chapter she'd drafted, the business deals Logan wanted to make.

Rory hated it. She hated being told she was glowing - something Babette and Patty told her on each of her trips back to Stars Hollow - because she was sure she wasn't, she hated how huge and clumsy she felt and, worst of all, she hated that she hated it. She was meant to be happy, she was meant to be excited.

And she _wanted_ to be. She wanted to be the one who texted Logan pictures of cute baby things she'd seen in shops, not her mom. She wanted to talk baby names, to make lists and lists of names that she'd never really want to use but would have fun considering.

But she didn't want to do any of that. She _couldn't_ do any of that.

She just hoped it would be worth it.

Things got even harder when the baby started to kick more often. She couldn't get comfortable - could barely sleep - and she couldn't even remember what concentration was. Everything felt overwhelming, she was constantly about to cry, and she just wanted the whole thing to be over.

She did cry. A lot. Mostly when Logan was at work. She didn't want him to know just how difficult she was finding everything, although she was sure he already suspected. He was working less, getting home much earlier in the evening, and even though Rory tended to still be attempting her own work, it was enough to just have him near.

Not that she was able to keep every breakdown from him. Sometimes, he knew exactly what to say and he'd soothe her with gentle kisses and promises that everything would be alright. Other times, he couldn't find the words. He'd take her into his arms and whisper soft apologies, blaming himself for the decision she'd made and for how she was struggling to cope with it, but that never made things better. She didn't want him to be guilty, she just wanted him to be happy. She'd calm herself down, try to gather her thoughts, and it would be her turn to comfort him with kisses. She'd hold his hand to her stomach, let him feel their son kick, and he'd smile and kiss her - slowly, always slowly - and in those moments, she'd be happy.

Rory hadn't thought she could love Logan any more, but every day she did.

There were only a few weeks left when Rory called Lorelai and told her to cancel the surprise baby shower she was certain Stars Hollow had planned. "I'm too tired for one," she told her. It wasn't exactly a lie, not when she was only managing a few hours sleep each night, but it wasn't the real reason. She just didn't want one.

"You might enjoy it," Lorelai said. "There'll be presents. Sookie's making cookies."

"No, mom. We'll just do something when this is all over," she insisted. "Something small. Just you, Lane and Paris. Grandma too, if she can make the trip."

Lorelai's voice was curt when she replied. "She'll make the trip."

It wasn't the first time she'd thought that her mom disagreed with her choices. With her attitude. Rory knew Lorelai couldn't understand why she was finding things so hard - it wasn't as though she was sixteen and single. She had a plan, she had Logan.

They'd fought before, months earlier, right after Rory had scheduled her c-section. It had started out as a simple discussion, but Lorelai's judgemental tone combined with protests and jokes about Sherry had set Rory off and soon they were yelling and Rory was crying and they hadn't spoken for days afterwards.

Lorelai hadn't understood why Rory wanted one. Labour was terrifying for everyone, she'd insisted, but it was something that people just did. It was a story she could tell, the way Lorelai had. But it wasn't just that. Rory knew she wouldn't be able to cope waiting for the baby to arrive, knew she didn't want to be pregnant for any longer than she had to be. It wasn't to fit it into a timetable so she could get things organised, it was so she knew it was going to end.

Unlike most things in the last few years, it all went according to plan. Rory was wheeled into surgery at the exact time she was supposed to be, with her mom and Luke waiting outside and Logan right beside her, his hand tight around hers.

She thought she'd be panicking - a baby, they were having a _baby_ \- but she wasn't. She felt calmer than she had in months. Maybe it was the drugs.

And then the baby was there - their boy - wrapped in a warm towel and resting on her chest. He was so small, so quiet, and Rory could barely move her arms to hold him. She heard Logan whisper something, although she was too dazed to understand it, but she knew he was smiling, _beaming_ , and their son had his tiny fingers wrapped around one of Logan's and her heart felt bigger than she ever thought it could.

She didn't want either of them to leave her, but Logan and their son were ushered away by nurses so that the doctors could stitch her back up. She woke up later, to Logan sat at her bedside, his hand holding hers again. It was all a bit fuzzy but she blinked that away and let herself absorb her surroundings.

There was a cot next to her. Logan's other hand was in it, his finger still clasped in the grip of their son's. She wanted to see him, _needed_ to see him, but she wasn't entirely sure she could sit up.

Logan looked at her the moment she muttered his name. His eyes were rimmed with red, he seemed on the verge of tears, but she'd never seen him smile like that before. His grin was wider than she'd ever seen it, but softer, impossibly warmer than the infinite smiles he'd given her before.

She smiled back.

"You're smiling," he said hoarsely, bringing their joined hands up to his mouth for a kiss. "You're happy. Aren't you happy?"

"I love him," she replied, her voice breaking on the words, and she wanted to cry again because she hadn't even really seen him yet and she loved him more than she could ever have expected. "I love _you_. Can I-?"

Rory felt strangely nervous asking to hold her own child, but Logan knew, he always knew, and she didn't even have to finish the question. He released her hand so he could carefully gather their son into his arms and pass him to her, resting him against her chest

She couldn't look away from him - at his light dusting of blond hair, at his tiny clenched fists.

"He's beautiful," Logan said quietly, leaning down to brush a kiss to the crown of her head before doing the same to their son. "Any idea on names? We never really got much further than telling Lorelai we didn't need another Paul Anka in the family."

"I know his name," she whispered, and she finally moved her gaze from the baby back to Logan. He was frowning, curious, and when she didn't immediately continue, he nodded at her to keep going. "It's Jack. He's Jack."

He stared at her, wide-eyed, for a moment, but then he swallowed and smiled. "You jump, I jump, Jack," he said, looking as overwhelmed as Rory felt, and then he kissed her again, his lips hard against hers. "It's perfect. You're both perfect."

"Of course he's perfect," Rory murmured, her voice thick with tears as she was hit by a burst of emotion, of relief, of love, of _finally_. "He's half you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end. It got a bit long for something that was meant to be a oneshot, didn't it? I think this is a chapter that maybe isn't the way other people would want things to go, but Rory looked so miserable at the end of AYITL and she always seemed so uncomfortable about pregnancy in the original show that I just couldn't see it being easy for her. A couple more headcanons I have: the baby's full name is Jack Richard Huntzberger, he remains an only child. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the fic! Thank you so much for the comments and kudos. I'll be back in the New Year with my next one (a vigilante AU) and that should hopefully be less angsty.
> 
> Happy Holidays!


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